“You gonna try for a boy now?”
“Aww, I know you guys really wanted a boy.”
“I was praying for a boy for you guys.”
“Well, maybe they’ll act tomboyish and you can still do boy stuff with her.”
“I feel so bad for you, what are you going to do with all those girls?!”
Things like these are what they type. Things like these are what makes me want to tell people how I really feel. If you know me well, however, you know I’ll never do that.
Non-confrontational. Peaceful. Endearing. These are a few traits I would like to think I embody. With these traits I cannot allow myself to succumb to the pressures of society and respond individually to each and every comment pasted on the comment section of a YouTube video. In fact, since my wife started our YouTube channel seven years ago I have yet to respond even one time to a comment.
I almost feel like responding to those comments gives people an inside look at me. Parts of me still want to be private. Parts of me want to be super liked. Parts of me wish I was famous. Parts of me wish things were different. See, responding to these comments would let people see my vulnerabilities, and let them see I’m human.
I do have feelings. I am a very emotional guy. I cry. Not every day, but I’m definitely a guy that tears up when something hits home to me. Empathetic. That’s what I am.
That’s who I strive to be, at least.
So, in trying my best to let people see how I feel about having a fifth daughter, the answer is really simple. I write blogs on occasion, and this is the one where I answer these pressing questions.
I have been blessed beyond anything I’d ever imagined for myself by having children. Really. When my first daughter was in her mom’s belly, it was literally all I could think about. I was so freaking nervous! I had just turned 21 when she was born. Two and a half years later, her sister was born. Those couple of years in between was a very difficult time for me. Their mom and I fought over the weirdest stuff, and we even separated for a while. Having children with someone you thought you’d be with forever, and then not being with them forever is hard on a person. It’s hard on both parents.
My ideal life had already started to crumble and I had two children under the age of four. Following the divorce from my oldest two daughter’s mother, I floated by like a balloon being tossed back and forth from the wind. It was like I had no real direction, and every time I looked down to find a good landing spot for my life the wind tossed me a different direction.
It was 2006 that I met my current wife. I had no idea just how much she would change my life. When I talk about changing my life, keep in mind I hadn’t even landed from my balloon ride yet. The start of our relationship was not perfect by any means. I had been a loner, for the most part. I had dated. I dated a lot of different types of people. Not one of them really made me want to be with them.
When I met my wife, I thought she’d be good practice for getting back into a relationship. I actually cared about her. I told her I loved her. She reciprocated with the same words. Within barely more than one year of knowing each other, she got pregnant. I was ecstatic. She was the nervous one this time. It was old hat to me, and I did my best to reassure her that everything would be OK.
You know what, though? Everything was not OK. She had a blighted ovum. We lost our baby before we ever got a chance to see their face.
Shortly after that, we split up. There was a lot of depression in both of our lives at that time. We wondered why things like that happen. We tried to tell ourselves that something must have been wrong with the baby, and that’s why the baby didn’t survive. We tried to tell ourselves that everything happens for a reason. We worked on ourselves, and found our way back to each other a couple months later.
Shortly after that, we tried again.
*Side note–She denies the “trying part.” Trust me, “I” was trying. 🙂
I don’t know if I thought having a baby with her would make “us” better, but I definitely thought it would make “me” better. When my third daughter was born it brought us closer together than we had ever been. It made me appreciate my fatherhood even more. Since I have joint custody of my older two daughters, I had been splitting time with their mother. Like I said I had been a loner. It really did feel like that every single time they left to go back home to their mother’s house. At least with this birth, I would have a chance to be there for every single milestone. I didn’t want to miss a thing.
13 1/2 months later, my fourth daughter was born. She had to stay in the NICU. It was scary. Having her made me realize how much of a chance we take every time a life is born into this world. It’s not just how much of a chance we take with all the outside stuff that happens in society, on the streets, and in their life in general. No, it’s a real chance physically HAVING that baby. Trained medical professionals or not, having a baby is scary and beautiful at the same time.
These past five years since my last daughter was born, has been quite the learning experience for me. I’ve learned a lot about myself. I’ve learned what matters to me is not always what matters to others. That’s OK. We are all individuals, we find our own happiness One thing I’ve discovered about myself is that I really LOVE having daughters. They bring out the sensitive side in me, yet they understand the silly side of me. They have taught me some pretty sweet dance moves, and they have tolerated my inability to do hair. I have stocked my car with Midol, tampons, and pads, and I have lent my shoulders to cry on. I have given advice, and taken some as well. I have learned more about life from them than anything or anyone else has ever taught me.
As far as this new addition coming to my family goes, I think it is safe to say she will be the last child for me. It wasn’t a matter of “If it’s a boy, I could quit” or “If it’s a girl, I’ll have to try for one more.” No, kids are expensive, I am not wealthy, and I enjoy the ones I have. In fact, I am quite a bit in the middle of relishing every single moment with them. I guess that’s just the stage of life “I’m” in right now. I love them entirely. When my newest daughter is born later on this year, I have no doubt that I will appreciate her just as much or maybe even more than all of my others. She will fit in just fine, and I cannot wait to shower her with love, affection, and hugs.
As far as my wife goes, on the way to the sonogram the other day, she said she really did feel it in her heart that it was going to reveal another daughter to us. I know she is happy.
I know I am happy. I also know that she is the one doing all of the work right now, and it looks absolutely awful. She has been in constant pain, throwing up, and just having an overall very tough time with this pregnancy. When it’s all said and done, my kid’s mothers have done nothing but change my life for the better, the whole time stretching their bodies to the max (literally). The pain and suffering they went through for me is more than any man should ever ask. My wife is amazing at a lot of things, but I honestly don’t think she minds at all that we’re NOT gonna try for a boy now.