Posted in confessions, coping mechanisms, dad, daddy, eating out, empathy, Ex Wife, expectations, failure, Family, Family Time, fatherhood, Husband, jobs, Kids, losing, love, Marriage, memories, moving on, Relationships, responsibility, Uncategorized

I’m Trying, I Promise…


“I intend to live forever, or die trying.” -Groucho Marx

There are certain things in this lifetime, that I’ve yet to accomplish. There are certain things in this lifetime, that I may never accomplish. But there aren’t too many things in this lifetime, that I’m not willing to try to accomplish.IMG_20130121_190727

I thought I’d make a little list of things I’m either trying, have tried, or would like to try someday. Some of these may not make any sense to you, but that’s because they pertain to me, my situation, my life, and possibly, my eventual happy place.

I am trying to get divorced. That is a lot easier said than done, but once my divorce is done, I feel like life can finally move on. Right now, it feels like I’m a hamster running on it’s wheel, about to pass out from exhaustion. I feel like every foot I put forward, every stroke of the keyboard on another form, every discussion I have with my children’s mother, is a step in the right direction. IMG_20130121_092345

I am trying to be a better friend. I feel like when you get married, have children, get older, your friends sometimes drift away. I hate that. I realize my friends have also gotten married, had children, and gotten older, but I think sometimes we lose friends out of convenience.

I am trying to live a healthier lifestyle. This one is especially difficult for me, because I like the convenience of having food ready-to-eat. I eat out a lot. By “a lot,” I mean way too much. I don’t really look like I’m out of shape, but boy do I feel like it! I want to lose about zero pounds, but reshape the way my body looks. I actually think I’m at a pretty healthy weight, but I want my body transformed. Who doesn’t want to look and feel healthier?

I am trying to be more understanding. Every one of us is different. Every one of us had different parents, different friends, different teachers, different influences on us as we grew up. We all have different jobs, went separate ways after high school, make different amounts of money. Some of us spend money wisely, some of us don’t. Some people use people, and some don’t. Some people dress differently, talk differently, and act differently. Some people raise their children differently. Every one of us have different outlooks on life.

I am trying to be a good dad. I am trying to do so, without compromising myself. It is hard being a single parent who is divorced. It is hard to not be taken advantage of by your kids, and by your kid’s mothers. Sometimes, I put myself in a situation I don’t want to be in, because I’m too nice. Sometimes, if I try not to be too nice, I feel like a jerk. I know I’m not one. In fact, I am probably one of the nicest guys you will ever meet. I’m not just saying that. I really feel like I have nothing but good intentions for my life, and for everybody I have associations with. I am very straight-forward, and I don’t like it when people aren’t the same with me.

I am trying to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. I feel as if living my life to please others, isn’t working out for me that well. I feel like I am helping, or have helped enough people get ahead, and for once, I’d like to reach my potential as well. One thing I’ve heard my whole life, is how much potential I have. I am eager to find out what they’ve been talking about.

I am trying to retain my sanity. In case you hadn’t noticed, I have four daughters. My oldest will be thirteen this year (an actual TEENager)! This year I am bracing myself for pimples, possible period(s), braces, puberty, hormones, estrogen, boys, phones, more boys, etc. I am about to be divorced for a SECOND time. I only have one of me, and I’m feeling spread a little thin right now.

I’m trying to figure out what to do with my blog. I like it. I like writing it. I like that it contains all of these memories. That’s what these are for me. IMG_20130123_151309My blogs are kind of like pictures of my life at different phases of my growing up. I kind of want to expand it, and possibly host in on a different site. I’m not sure, but I’m trying to figure that out.

I’m trying to just figure my life out, in general. This isn’t easy, this much I know. Trying to be the best person I can be isn’t on my mind all of the time, but at certain instances, it’s all I can think about. My kids need me to be strong. They need me to be vulnerable at certain times, but mostly they need me to be their hero. That’s not a big title to live up to, is it? Believe me, I’m trying. I promise.

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Author:

Hello. I'm a 37 year old installation specialist, former bartender, husband and proud father of five children (all of which are girls).

4 thoughts on “I’m Trying, I Promise…

  1. You know what, sir? I’ve made a decision. You are a really good guy who have had a couple of tough breaks. But you’re sincere. I feel it in your writing. And your sincerity will eventually prevail. You’ll come through for your kids and your friends and be what you are meant to be. You’re “trying” and in the end, what more can be asked of you? You’ll find the person that makes you complete. So, you’ve had a couple of tries…but “she is out there and she’s waiting. Your souls still have to find each other but it will happen. Here’s why. Because you have the best intentions. I am a good person, as well. Had a couple of false starts. (I married one of them). Then I met my “jewel’. I knew he was the “one” because I knew a) I just couldn’t foresee a divorce in our future in any shape, form or fashion (just knew we would be together till one of us died), b) because I would follow him to the moon and back (where with husband #1, I couldn’t trust to move to another state with him) and c) he was drama free, good, honest and wanted nothing but the best for me (as I wanted for him). Well, I had him for 20 years, then I lost him. He was a Marine, a Vietnam veteran and eventually 100% service connected disabled with Agent Orange that caused heart, stroke, cancer and death…so, I’m done now. Will be 60 in a couple of months and still young enough to consider another spouse but not interested in the least. As we were in the ER waiting for assistance after his stroke, he said to me words I will never forget, ” I picked the RIGHT ONE!” He was saying he picked the right girl and he did. Quit my job and practically lived with him in the nursing home because I stayed 2 or 3 shifts (around the clock) to be his advocate. Learned how to be a nursing assistant better than the staff to help take care of him, and made sure he was treated correctly by ALL. After he died I was able to get my old job back. Why? Because I’m nice, a great worker and everyone spoke up for me, co-workers and customers! Not tooting my horn but that is who you should want. Somebody who ALWAYS has your back. Even after some jerk like things you might do. So, I want you to be very careful next time. I subscribe that your two wives aren’t bad women, they just weren’t for you although you got 4 beauties out of the deals! “Vett” her carefully for compatibility and other strengths! Be sure of WHO you’re looking for and don’t settle for less. Sorry I went off on a tangent. Wasn’t planning it. I just kept writing and here it is. Take care…..

    1. Wow. That was a lot to digest, but thank you. Thank you very much. I am very sorry to hear about your husband. Thank you for sharing your story with me, though. It is nice to hear from others when I’m doing right. Sometimes, the people I see on a regular basis, don’t always see that. I wish nothing but the best for you. 🙂

  2. Just started watching your videos this summer and was bummed when I heard the news. Been wondering about how you are doing? Thanks for updating your fans! You will find your way because it is in you to find that path! Keep updating us from time to time as some of us are not on facebook 🙂

    Keep your head up!!!

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