Posted in dad, Family Time, Funny, Kids, mommyhood, Uncategorized

Toddler Thoughts…


This kid is crazy, yo!!
This kid is crazy, yo!!
She’s finally asleep, I think to myself. Careful not to make a sound, I slowly turn my head to peer over at the toddler bed across the room. Just look at her, all peaceful and snoring. My big sister suddenly rolls over on her side and I snap my head back around and shut my eyes again.

I can’t believe she has my toy phone still clutched in her hand… I look back around and…Hey, wtf?! The phone is missing! This chick just had my phone 30 seconds ago and it’s already MIA?! I don’t think so!

I jump out out of my bed, feet land squarely on a lego. “OUCH!!! SH!TBALLS!!!” I scream as I promptly land flat on my face.

Movement. I heard movement. I look up slowly to see if I’ve been spotted. Whew. That was close. Wait a second…that looks like…that looks just like my cup from last night! I wonder if there’s anything left. I scoot across the floor, doing my best to avoid all the booby traps this chick must’ve set out before I fell asleep earlier this evening.

I snatch my cup up and take a swig…WTF is in this thing?! Cottage cheese?! She put out a damn cup full of poison? She trying to kill me?!

This is getting serious. This is the fourth night in a row she’s been acting weird. First she was wanting to read with me. I’m two, damnit. I can’t read. Get your sh!t together, kid. I sidestep a barbie and lean over her face.

Ewww. Smells like someone forgot to brush her teeth…

I look around on her bed to see what options are available to me. Wrapped slightly around her waist is her blue and white blankie. Hmmm…Maybe I’ll just return the favor for poisoning me with that delectable concoction she left in my cup for me.

I grab the corner of the blankie and slowly start to wrap it around my wrist. I have to make sure I have a good grip, cuz I know this chick isn’t going down without a fight. I muster up all the courage I have, pull with all my strength, and. . .

What the H e double hockey sticks! How much does this kid weigh?! Sigh…

I unwrap the blanket from my wrist, because it’s apparent she has guarded her blankie well. I glance back down at the barbie.

*Insert sinister, maniacal chuckle.*

I rip it up off the ground and “WHACKKKKK!!!”

Running across the room, I hear his door open almost instataneously in unison with the crybaby across the room. I dive onto my bed, throw my covers over my legs, tilt my head to the wall, and close my eyes.

“Boom!” <—Door being opened very fast.

Ewwww, he's in his boxers. Gross. Go put on a shirt fatty.

"Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah….Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah…"

What the f are you looking at dude?! I don't have a fricken' CLUE what just came out yo' mouth, son! What? What the hell???!!! Hey, Hey!!! Put me down m f er!! What the?! OUCH!! What the hell was that for?! Wait a second! You mean to tell me—That you actually BELIEVE the crybaby over there?!!! C'mon man—don't do me like that! How long we known each other son? Like 2 and a half years, right? Right? I thought we was cool, man…

That's what I thought. Put my ass DOWN. Tell her to shut the f up, give me my kisses, so I can get some shut-eye. I got a long day tomorrow…

*THIS IS HOW I IMAGINE MY 2 1/2 YEAR OLD FALLS ASLEEP EVERY SINGLE NIGHT.*

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Author:

Hello. I'm a 37 year old installation specialist, former bartender, husband and proud father of five children (all of which are girls).

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