OK. Some of you have heard my voice before, and some of you have not. Some of you have heard it, but may not have heard it in a while. Whatever category you fit in—just try to read this note as if i was sitting in front of you…and talking to you. I guess what I’m saying, is pretend you are my friend, and I am only talking to YOU.
I’m talking to you through words on a computer screen, however, because sometimes I feel like that’s the only way people really listen.
“Hey, how have you been?”
At this point I have technically asked you a question. I don’t really mean “how have you been?” I’m going to naturally assume that you’ve been doing A-OK. After all, I’m going to feel pretty shitty if I ask “How have you been,” and find out that you just lost someone close to you. Heck, maybe you lost your job. I really hope neither of those happen to you. If it did, I wouldn’t want to find out because I asked how have you been. Hopefully, since we’re “friends” you would have told me this information anyway.
Now, where were we? That’s right. I have the floor. Yes, I know there would technically be insight, advice, the occasional nod in agreement, or head-shake in disbelief. Whatever it is, that’s the correct response…I’ll just assume from here on out that you’re giving it.
“Listen, I’ve really got to get some stuff off my chest. I couldn’t think of anyone better to talk to about it besides you. You busy?”
If you’re still reading this—Imma assume you’re not that busy…
“Cool. I want to talk to you about life. I want to talk to you about what it means to me, what it means to other people, and especially what it means…to you. I’m getting older, you know, and as I do…my mind is flooded with worry most days. I worry about everything. Not so much because I’m worried I’m doing it wrong. More like I’m worried because maybe I’m doing it right—and this is it. What if the hokey-pokey really IS what it’s all about?”
This is where you probably fidget in your chair, possibly yawn, and most definitely start to avoid eye contact…
“I’ve questioned my actions numerous times in the past, and some of that shit I did, seems so long ago, it’s almost like it doesn’t even count anymore. I got a “re-do,” so to speak on lots of stuff…Anyways, I’ve been thinking that maybe I”ve been going about this all wrong. Maybe I shouldn’t question what is is that i did “wrong” in the past, but maybe I should start to figure out the why. Everybody’s different. Everybody’s raised differently. Some of us have children, and I’m sure most parents are very well aware that they are meant to be a positive role model. We have the power to be so influential in our children’s lives. We have just as much power to be influential in our everyday aquaintances, and in our daily interactions with random people.
As my mind does yo-yo tricks in my brain bouncing up and down and all around, I try to wrap my thoughts around what life is all about. Why am I here? Who am I here to influence? Is it working yet? Maybe it did already…Wait a sec—am I being influenced instead?
Life is short, man…
I’m rapidly approaching the age where I need answers. I need answers to maintain my sanity. I need answers to give to my kids. They’re going to start asking tougher questions, and I need to be SURE in my mindset, my ways, and my beliefs, to tell them they answers they need to hear. I need to know basic math skills again. I sure hope I do better on geography this year than I did last year for them. They had some pretty tough questions. :-)”
Now, don’t get too far ahead of yourself before you respond. Before you start to think I’m talking about religion, please go back and read some of my previous blogs. I will converse with you about any other subject, but that one. My questions are much deeper than religion (in my mind, at least).
“If I die tomorrow, I’m going to be so PISSED. I’m not done living yet. Am I? Are you? What are your plans tomorrow? Are they going to better your life or are they going to sustain your life? Are your plans tomorrow going to tarnish your reputation? Maybe they’ll just keep you in your cozy spot you’re already in…This question has been nagging me for just about as long as I can remember…”What am I going to be when I grow up?” Just about as loooooong as I can remember…I used to want to be a teacher. I wanted to major in Finance. I wanted to be a pharmacist. Sometimes I just wanted to have a fancy college diploma hanging up on my wall. A couple years back, I had some pretty fancy frames up on the wall of my nice accomplishments training to install AT&T U-VERSE. I had a little plaque for each one of my courses I trained in, and even got a little “Defensive Driving” plaque. I still have my “Powered Equipment Certification” license I earned back at my old post office job. I don’t know if I kept shit like this because it really matters to me, or maybe it’s because it REALLY does matter to me. It’s like my stamp on the earth at that time and at that place. I DID SOMETHING with my life. It’s almost like reaffirmation that I CAN still do something with my life, even if i seem to be stuck on pause. pause…pause…pause…pause…nother day….nother day…nother day….nother day…oh, nother day…pause…pause…pause…
CAN YOU HEAR ME YET???!!!
I want to be a positive influence on everybody I meet. Unrealistic expectation? I’d say so! Ha! So how do I get from that naivety, to a more realistic goal. How many people, huh? That’s right—I don’t have to impress NONE of you mutha……Right? Wrong. I am here to impress. Not with gigantic muscles. Not with my wit. Not with my handsome good looks. Not with my “my morals are better than yours.” I’m here to impress, by making an impression…on you. Maybe, I’m supposed to influence you. I don’t want you to emulate me. I want you to be influenced by the words i’m writing out loud to get you to THINK.
I read some stupid shit in the news, and I always think to myself, “what in the world were they thinking?” Who told them that was OK to do? I’m starting to think a lot of it boils down to their parents. Then I think, well, maybe it boils down to their parent. Then I think, well, maybe it SHOULD boil down to them. See, I was a lucky one. MY parents are STILL married. I was influenced by both my mother and my father on a daily basis. I guess you could argue that children from single parent homes are also influenced by both of their parents. I concur. Really. I do.
I am trying to raise a very diverse family. I am proud of each member of it. As Brandey and I are planning our wedding, we’re starting to see the differences of “hers” and “mine.” Her family is huge compared to mine. I remember a very small amount of extended family members, and I only recall going to one family reunion my whole life (way back when I was just a wee lad). I’ve always been envious of those other families. As much as I would like to say since there’s not that many people in my family, we’re so much closer—that’s just so not the case. If it wasn’t for facebook, I wouldn’t hardly ever see some of them.
I would like to say I have a very diverse “friend” family. Some of them, I share with Brandey…Some of them I don’t. And vice-versa. I appreciate all my friends. I sure hope they appreciate me. As Brandey and I planned our wedding earlier this year, she asked me who my Best Man was going to be…I had a very short list in my head. Before I was even able to decide who that person would be, the decision was made for me that we would keep it family. I love my new little brothers Arias and Cameron. I love my new little sister Candyze. I hope they love me back.
We are keeping it family, partly, because we couldn’t decide on Jeremy’s best friend. With Brandey, it was easy. She has a best friend—HI JORDAN! With Jeremy, Brandey was like “who’s your best friend THIS year?” It really did hurt my feelings, and it’s something I don’t like to talk about. I’ve burned down many best friend bridges, and as much as I’ve tried to rebuild them, some things I can’t do by myself. It reminds me of my dad, and how I remember him having a handful of “best friends” growing up that used to come over…And then realizing one day that WE were his best friends. I haven’t even heard the term “my friend so and so” in over twenty years probably. Maybe that’s why I ran mine off. Once again—I’m back on the “WHY” portion of my life. I don’t think my dad is lonely. I’m sure he has friends. He has a loving wife, and he has six grandbabies that keep him plenty of company. Is THAT who I’m turning into now? Great…lol
My kids are super excited about the wedding. They talk about it a lot. They can’t wait to have a “stepmom.” I’m pretty sure Brandey’s pretty psyched about having more claim to THEM, as well. I feel as if I’m taking a big giant step in a very RIGHT direction by getting married again. I don’t want to be “that” guy that ruined possibly his last chance at love, just by having the mindset that i’ve been married once before. I had some inhibitions about it, however, because i also didn’t want to be “that” guy with multiple wives in their lives. I think we make a super cute family, and I hope that you like being around us. Hopefully, we’ll both figure out what we’re going to be when we grow up pretty soon. Until then, we’re just going to keep popping a kid a year. LOL I joke, I kid. No. Really. I’m kidding. She’s on Mirena damnit. NO MORE!!! OK, maybe one. But only if I win the lottery…
Man, I’ve been writing this blog for so long now, I don’t even know how to end it. Weird. Well, this is awkward.
OK. I’m going to slowly back away from the keyboard now…