Do you ever try to look at yourself from other people’s perspective? We all know LOTS of people, and of course every single one of us is different…
There’s all these sayings in life about you shouldn’t care what other people think…Don’t try to please other people…YOU just do YOU, and I’M gonna do ME…blah, blah, blah.
When we meet people for the first time, we have an initial reaction to them. There are usually quirks we start to notice about just about everybody we meet. If you go to the same gas station every week for a pack of gum…You’ll start picking up certain things the cashier does (if it’s the same one, of course). When you meet a new coworker, or your wife introduces you to a friend, etc…
Well, lately, I’ve been thinking about my life (kinda living it from the “third person” perspective, if i may). I’ve been thinking about what’s right with it—and what’s wrong with it. It’s hard to tell the difference sometimes. I mean, some things make us happy—but are definitely wrong for us. And vice-versa.
There are certain character traits that I am lacking in my life to be the successful individual I need to be. I’m on a one man journey right now to find those traits—and instill them into my every day life. It is imperative that I find “myself” for my family. And for myself.
When I look back at my life since I’ve graduated high school, I can almost put my life into sections. There’s the stage in my life when I first became a parent. I remember how excited I was when I got the phone call saying I need to get to the hospital. I was so anxious to meet Ashleigh, I actually got to the hospital before her mom did! It was without a doubt the most amazing feeling in the world to be responsible for another human being. I remember my life start to slowly evolve around this child. It’s a lot harder to go to Walmart, go out to eat, go to the movies; with a baby in tow. Heck, it’s a whole lot harder to get some sleep with a baby around!
I had a good job at this point in my life. What’s a good job? Well, to me—it was the security of it. I worked at the post office for over seven years. I had benefits. I had excellent pay. I made some great lifelong (hopefully) friends. I was too dumb to realize itthough because of the next stage in my life…
There’s the stage in my life that I like to call “I just didn’t give a #$#%” stage. During this stage I basically threw away a marriage, turned friends and family alike away from me, and conceived another child. I hate to say that a kid was a mistake, because as we all know…if you lie down with someone and don’t use protection…the possibility of another “you” is definitely there. That being said, I had just separated from my wife, just got back together with her, and—without “us” ever trying to see what our problem was “for real,” we had another baby. Two months after Taralynn was here, we were done.
This brings me to the “Go at it alone” phase…Kinda. I would’ve never survived as a single father if it wasn’t for my parents. I was such a mess. I loved my children to death, and unfortunately didn’t see the train wreck my life had become. It’s not that I wasn’t told about it…I just thought they were crazy. I just did whatever I wanted. I had no rent. No bills but child support, gas money to get back and forth to work, and entrance fees to the clubs and my gambling money. I was reckless with money, even more so with women.
This “go at it alone” phase lasted awhile…And then I met Brandey. Brandey and I have had our ups, our UPS, and our downs, and our DOWNS. One thing that is certain about our relationship—is that I am definitely not “going at it alone” anymore. Thank goodness. Right as my life was in shambles financially, relationship-wise, and yeah, even “friend-wise”—she came along. She quickly became my best friend. Although we can’t stand each other occasionally—she is still my numero uno “friend.”
This whole “Brandey” phase could be broken up into so many mini-phases, so I’m just gonna leave it at the “brandey” phase. This phase has brought more children into my life. Ella and Audrey are here, and boy, is it different this time around!!! It’s been so many years since I had a baby in the house—and i’m at such a different point in MY life right now…it’s crazy! I’m not 20 years old anymore—I’m almost 31! It’s not so easy holding a carseat in one hand with another baby on your hip trying to go somewhere…and the diaperbag too?!! I feel like this should be “old hat.” I’m a good dad. My kids love me. It shouldn’t be this hard. But it is.
Being a dad is the hardest job I’ve ever had. Without a doubt, it’s also the most rewarding. There is not too many feelings in the world that can replace the one i get when my kids say i love you. And mean it.
This time around though, I’m divorced. I split time with the kids and it sucks. It sucks for Ash and Tara cuz they see me being with Ella and Audrey all week long, and they’ve got to go back to mom’s house. I’m sure it’s confusing to Ella what’s going on with them—she just doesn’t know how to say it yet. Ella was sooooo easy as a baby—And Audrey is a lot more difficult than I remember any of them being.
As I’m struggling with trying to be the best dad i can be, I’m struggling just as hard to be the best husband I can be. Granted I’m not married just yet, but it’s only 3 months away! I want to make Brandey happy. I want her to make me happy. I want us to not just be “OK,” but I want us to be successful. That’s not too much to ask, is it? I want us to be a successful couple, successful parents, AND a success in other people’s eyes. Yeah, yeah, I know—it shouldn’t matter what other people think of us, right? Wrong. It does matter. Because sometimes, when I look at my life from that “third person” perspective I see “us.” Sometimes I see what’s the matter with us. Sometimes I see what’s right with us.
Brandey and I have a lot of ambition. Sometimes when people don’t reach certain goals, however, they get discouraged. I can’t speak for her, but I, personally, am utterly disappointed and discouraged right now. My friends at work—can’t see that for the most part. I put on my happy face, I go to work, and try to enjoy every shift I work. I do not take my job for granted, I put my heart and soul into it every single day. I need my job. I need to do better, though.
I’m trying to evolve into a different person right now, and i know the process is going to be slow. Hopefully, you all will still be around to witness the transformation. As for now, though, I’ll still be complaining about how sore I am, how tired I am, how much it sucks to be getting older, complaining about my financial crisis i’ve thrown our lives into, our upcoming wedding, my lack of achieved goals, my disdain for getting up early, my hatred of bad tippers, my dislike of changing diapers, etc…
Just some stuff on my mind. So if you see me in the near future—try not to be a dick. I’m sensitive damnit! 🙂