I’ve been meaning to do this for some time now, this “coming to terms.” There’s a lot of things going on all at once in my life that is forcing me to do this very thing.
By the way, before I get too far into this blog, I would like to point at that I have not one, but two children in my lap. One is being quiet with her blanket on her lap. The other is crawling all around, making a bunch of noise, shaking my arms back and forth, and talking non-stop. So, forgive me if half of this doesn’t make much sense. Then again, because of these kids, is possibly why it will make that much more sense.
I am looking down at my hands as I type and notice my almost 4 year-old’s hand laying squarely on top of mine. She is very curious as to what I’m doing. Her inquisitive mind is asking questions about what I’m doing, and her fingers are lined up perfectly with mine. I would take a picture, but my phone is on the charger on the other side of the room. At any rate, it’s quite possibly one of the cutest things I have ever seen. It is times like these I can truly appreciate being a father…
OK, back to this whole “coming to terms” thing I was talking about. I know I have written about my impending divorce before, but there is just so much more to say. I have so many more feelings I need to portray. I know I don’t owe any of you an explanation, but typing these things out helps my mental health. So, here goes.
“I” am far from perfect. I am full of mistakes, from head to toe. I have made bad decision after bad decision for much of my life. I feel as if I have let so many people down, but at the same time, I know I have proved many wrong.
I am coming to terms with being a single father again. I am coming to terms with allowing myself to care about other people again. I am coming to terms with me not being the person I thought I was. I am coming to terms with my potential. I know for a fact, there are very big things ahead for me and my family.
I am coming to terms that change is inevitable. I am coming to terms that people aren’t always who they portray themselves to be. Sometimes your best friend, is the one who brings you down to size. I am coming to terms that telling the truth is a lot easier than trying to remember a lie. I am coming to terms with the fact that another man has been helping raise a couple of my kids. In fact, he has been with my ex-wife for seven years. I am coming to terms with the fact that although I am still their dad, he is their step-dad and my kids love him too.
I am coming to terms that my children are getting older. Likewise, so am I. I am coming to terms that life has not gone how I initially planned, by I am hopeful that my life will still go on as I am trying to plan it now. I am coming to terms that important things in one person’s life isn’t always important in another person’s life.
I am coming to terms, that my youngest kid will be 3 in two months, and my oldest will be a teenager in 7 months. I was forced to come to terms with my kids getting older this week, because my oldest got braces. I am coming to terms with me not being the nicest guy in the world. I am sorry, to those who have learned this the hard way. I am coming to terms that I have been hurt by people who love(d) me. I am coming to terms that I allowed that to happen. Although I think I know what’s best for me and my family, I have come to terms that me knowing what’s best, is not always what’s best.
I have come to terms with still wanting a family. I still want to wake up every morning next to someone who loves me, supports me, supports us, and does their best for “us.” I want that person, in turn, to force me to want to love them, support them, and forces me to want to do my best for “us.” I have come to terms that I have been a push-over for way too long.
I have come to terms that I really can control my own life. I have come to terms that some things aren’t worth waiting for, and some really are. I have come to terms that people really can change, but sometimes that change brings out the worst in them.
I have come to terms I have not been the best husband. I have come to terms with the fact that I am not the best friend. I am not the best dad I could be. I’m coming to terms with things by typing them out right now for one reason and one reason only. Coming to terms with things sometimes makes you want to do better. Doing better is a good thing. Trust me, I’ve come to terms with that already.